Pardon my Foolishness

With all the recent talk of the Olympics in Sochi, Russia, I kind of felt left out.  So I have devised my own "olympic" for those of us who are too old to compete.  So here it is.  But first.  There are three classes to these events.  The first is for those age 55 to 65.  The second is for those 65 to 70.  The last is for those 70 and older (The designation of the classes has nothing to do with my age, which is 71).  The older contestant may compete on all three levels.

Event # 1 =  The Beer Can Pour.  Pop a 12 oz flip top can of beer.  Pour contents into a 12 class.  The objective here is to pour as quickly as you can without any spillage.  If any foam is spill you are disqualified from this event.  If any brew is spilled you are permanently banished from these games for life.  May the best pourer win.

Event # 2 =  The Beer Bottle Pour.  Same as above but this time with a 12 oz bottle of beer.

Both of the above events the time begins when the can or bottle is picked up until the filled class is laid down on the table (or bar if competing in a pub;  two extra points are added if the pub is in Ireland).

Event # 3 =  Sock Donning.  From a sitting position, with socks rolled into one pair.  Open roll and insert feet into sock.  Heal must be in proper location or 5 seconds is added to time.  Time for event is from a "bell" being rung until both feet are socked and on  floor.  May the best socker win.

Event # 4 =  Cross Word Puzzle contest = Using Monday puzzle from any local paper (not the NY Times or LA Times or any other major city rag), fill out all clues correctly.  Substract 1 min for each block incorrect. This event may take longer than one of us can stay awake, so it can be shortened to filling out the first ten clues correctly.  May the best puzzler win.

Event # 5 =  Same as above but with two person teams, using one pencil and one puzzle.

Event # 6 = Shoe Race.  From a standing position, sit in chair.  Place shoes on feet; must have laces.  Lace up both shoes and stand up.  Best time wins.  Subtract 5 seconds for each eyelet missed.  May the best lacer win.

Event # 7 -  Pants Pull.  Getting into a pair of pants (your own please) without falling over.  Competitor must be standing and remain standing thru-out the contest.  Sitting down before the pants are fully on and belted will result in  disqualification.  Any touching of a wall, chair or any other item for balance will cause the score to be increased by 1 min.  Style points will be taken away for any swaying or loss of balance that does not require sitting down.  May best puller win.

(That's all for now.  More events may follow)